I’ve had a significant amount of free time at work in the last few weeks. I generally spend this time surfing the net and reading the news. My iGoogle home page includes feeds from CBC, BBC, CNN and Al Jazeera English so if a story hits headlines on any of these sites, it’s likely I’ve read it. I am normally drawn more to Al Jazeera and the BBC than to North American news for obvious – or maybe not so obvious – reasons, but lately I have found myself reading information from CBC more than others.
I don’t think I have had any sudden change in heart regarding the validity of Western media, my views on which would require another post entirely. I think, rather, that CBC has been drawing my attention because of the absurd amount of heinous crimes that have been recently uncovered in our little corner of the world.
My interest was first peaked a few months ago when reports about Colonel Russell Williams hit the news for the first time. He was one of Canada’s highest ranking, most influential and most respected military officials. He had been a pilot in our air force for 20+ years and was essentially the poster-boy for the Canadian military. He had flown the Queen, the President of the United States and our Prime Minister multiple times and was serving as the Commander of our largest air force base – CFB Trenton. In a nut shell, Col. Williams was a bright, promising man with a wife who loved him and a national Air Force that respected him. That is, until one day last February when he agreed to meet with police investigating the death of one young woman and the disappearance of another. Within 9 hours of entering the police station, Col. Williams was confessing to over 80 home invasions, 4 sexual assaults and 2 murders. It took only a few months for Russ Williams to be tried. He pled guilty to all of the charges laid before him. He was recently sentenced to life in prison. His crimes started out mild enough – a couple break ins, some stolen lingerie – but escalated out of control. His last act before being caught was the abduction, rape and torture of a young woman. He held her for almost 24 hours, raped her repeatedly, killed her and left her body in the bush for the animals. His pedophile tendencies quickly became common knowledge and I think we are all grateful that he was stopped before a child was hurt.
Needless to say, our entire country was shocked, but for me it went deeper than just being surprised. I was drawn to this story and had difficulty getting it out of my head. I think what fascinated me the most was how good this man was at hiding who he was. Eventually, I looked up and watched almost two hours of interrogation footage – It was like watching a horse being broken by a cowboy. He began with adamant denial of any involvement but when he realised he was done for, his entire demeanour changed. He became a robot and simply relayed the details of every invasion, every stolen article of clothing, every picture and every sexual assault without so much as a tear, a quiver or a flinch. Call me crazy, but I found this fascinating. Don’t get me wrong, the man is a psycho, I have zero respect or empathy for him. It is cases like this one that make you reconsider Canada’s view on capital punishment. No punishment will ever fit these crimes and I feel deeply for the victims and their families. But I was still drawn to that video and couldn’t look away. It was like watching Criminal Minds and then remembering that it was real and that it happened only a few months prior and only a few hours away. He seemed to almost relax when he realised he’d been caught. Like living this double life was a weight he was just glad to be rid of. There are so many questions I would ask him if I had the chance – “why?” being near the top of the list. I wonder if he knows why. You see those shows about people that simply can’t stop themselves, like it’s an addiction to drugs. It starts with a couple joints but before too long that doesn’t have the same effect so it becomes ecstasy, then LSD and eventually cocaine and heroin. I don’t know if this explanation has any legitimate backing or if it is just another idea for a scary movie. I’ll bet Russ Williams (no longer a Col.) knows. I know I’m not making any sense, but I hope you’re managing to get my point.
Another case I think about a lot is the Elizabeth Smart case. I won’t waste your time detailing this one since you’d have to be living under a rock to not already know it. Elizabeth and I were born only a few months apart and I remember her disappearance, and especially her reappearance, like it was yesterday. We will never understand what she went through during her “9 months in hell” nor will we ever understand the minds of her captors. I’m more curious about the women than the man. I wonder what she got out of the whole thing. I also wonder if she was once a victim of this man and had survived the only way she knew how, the same way Elizabeth survived – by cooperating. They describe this couple as ‘married’ but I wonder what Wanda would say about that. Was she forced to marry him? Clearly, she was terrified of him. What I don’t understand is why she didn’t leave with Elizabeth when they were left alone. Why did she keep Elizabeth captive for her husband’s pleasure – what did she have to gain?
I could go on with examples like these all day – but I think you get the idea. People seem to read these stories in the paper or watch them on a segment of the local news. They say, “those poor women...” or “I feel terrible for that family” or something of equal empathy, then they continue onto the next story or the television program ends and that’s the last thought they have on the subject until something brings it to the surface again. I’m never able to do this. I like to keep up to date on current events but reading or watching the news is often exhausting for me. I read a story like those above and then I’m forced to ponder it, examine it from all angles, find supporting or contradicting evidence, and finally try to formulate my opinion. By the time I get there, I’ve been from one end of the internet to the other – watching, listening and reading – and can barely process the amount of information I have taken in. I feel exhausted, frustrated and beaten. I often lose control of my emotions and sink into a depression – sometimes for a couple minutes, sometimes for days. I guess I’m just trying to understand something that is un-understandable. I ask my peers and family what their take is, what they think the suspect was thinking, what the victim was feeling, if they understand. More often than not, I’m told that we will never understand and that I might as well forget about it and move on with my life. I hate this. How could I possibly forget about it? How can they forget about it? How can anyone live on this Earth, see the images and hear the stories that I see and hear and then turn around and forget all about it. For me these things become ingrained in my mind and in my heart. I’m dying to understand, to be able to help. I’m left with a sense of uselessness and idleness – the same feeling I get whenever I think about the rest of the world, the suffering, the turmoil, the starvation, and war, rape used as a weapon, millions without water, basic healthcare, or shelter. I feel so useless, so small and weak against such an incredible force. Of course, this should all be a completely different post and I am getting more and more off topic so I will wrap it up.
Basically, I’m just wondering. Am I the only one that can’t let go of these stories? Am I the only one that sees Russ Williams’ face every day even though I’ve never see it in the flesh? What about Elizabeth Smart – am I the only stranger that can’t get her out of my mind? I can’t be the only one wanting to understand, but am I the only one that can’t accept the inability to understand? These are two extreme examples but I assure you, I am hit the same way with much less shocking incidents.
I know I’ve written a novel here but I appreciate you reading. I am more than willing to hear any ideas or suggestions.
xoxoxoxo
Jenn
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