I find myself confused whenever I contemplate religion. Surprisingly, I think about it often and argue with myself about my beliefs. Lately, I'm more confused than ever. I am confused by the prejudices that people seem to hold. I'm not sure if this is actually getting worse or if it only seems that way because I am getting older and meeting different people. Regardless, It's confusing.
I do not completely agree with any religion and yet I am drawn to the idea of them all. I think that believing in something greater than ourselves is a comfort to many. It is not a good feeling when you're faced with the idea that what you see might really be what you get, and all that you get. It makes you question yourself, your life, the lives of others and it ultimately makes me wonder what the point is. As a scientist and a student I am used to busting my ass day in and day out and sometimes I can't help but wonder why. Why work like we do when in the end, we're all on our way out and we are all going to be facing the same thing when that end comes. Rich or poor, hard working or lazy, black or white or blue, we are all the same in death.
I frequently hear the argument that without religion there would be no morality. I think this is both a sham used by many to justify immoral acts ("I did it for God") and a crutch for those struggling with moral dilemmas ("What would Jesus do?"). I do strongly believe that we are moral for the sake of morality itself and that religion has little, if anything to do with it. That being said, I also believe that all good deeds are, to some extent, selfish. I will even go so far as to say that we are an inherently selfish species. We do good because it makes us feel good. We even procreate because we desire to be parents, not because we need to continue the life of our species. It can even be argued that our desire to be parents is negatively affecting other aspects of life for millions of people across the planet.
I am envious of people that are certain that theirs is the one true faith. But at the same time I pity them. I wish I believed in something as passionately as they do, but I fear this is impossible without becoming blind to the world around me. Something I will dedicate my life to avoiding. I cannot deny the greed I feel for knowledge of all things - unfortunately, the more I learn, the less I believe in a celestial being. I've tried asking friends questions about their faiths, they are receptive at first but invariably get frustrated with being asked questions they cannot answer. Until the multitudes of questions can be answered, I cannot have faith.
There is one other thing that has always pushed me away from religion, Christianity in particular (since the majority of religious people in Southern Ontario are Christian). I have always felt like an alien whenever I am at a church for a wedding or other event. I find there is very little acceptance of non-believers and I always wonder how that can be. Many (I will refrain from saying 'most') people with strong faith refuse to see any other possibility. I have, at different times and by different people, been told that I am going hell because I don't believe in a Christian God and that I will forever be incapable of loving or receiving love, since I do not welcome God into my home and my bedroom. These, as well as other instances remind me that maybe I don't want to be a part of that 'club' after all.
As previously stated, I am a scientist. I understand that I am biased - but aren't we all? Science is often considered the Antichrist. Many people believe that you cannot be informed of one while still believing in the other. I too wonder if it is possible to attain a balance, but I have recently began working with an incredibly intelligent man from Egypt who is a world authority on molecular evolution and is a devout Christian. How he manages to believe in both is beyond me but I do take some comfort in the fact that he has found a way.
This has morphed into a novel, which is not what I intended. I apologize for the random topic changes. These are simply some of my thoughts and some of the things I frequently struggle with in regards to this topic.
Thanks for Reading - Jenn
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